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  • Writer's picturehotmessmamaa

Let’s Go Back In Time

When I stop and look back at our marriage, I realize things have always seemed to be a battle. Not just your normal marital battles but, vow challenging battles from the beginning! Right after we got married I found out that I had PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). I had gained about 50 pounds in just a few months! I knew I had to get this under control if we wanted to start a family. I had already changed my diet and was exercising. What in the world was going on? I guess it was time to admit that I needed the doctor to help me.

Our Doctor broke the news that it would take us longer than a normal couple to get pregnant and that we may need some help but to give it a year. You see, PCOS is actually a hormonal disorder and causes insulin resistance (the reason I gained so much weight). I was put on a diabetic medication to level things out and sent on my way.

Well, that year had passed and NOTHING! No baby and I was even heavier! My weight had slowed down but still on an incline. The time had now come for a fertility specialist. I began to feel like there was something more wrong. Things really were not right. I was always sick and in a lot of pain on a regular basis. But I figured they knew better than I did.

We now began what became a 12 long year process of medical tests, blood tests, ultrasounds, endless hormones, procedures and endless negative pregnancy tests. I cried so many tears that I could have filled an ocean.

They always tried to fill me with hope but in my gut I just never really felt right. So every time we walked into the fertility clinic my anxiety was in overdrive. The first few pregnancy tests I was so full of hope. But that quickly began to fade. It turned to depression and panic attacks. I'm sure the hormones had a little bit to do with that.

I began to fall deep! I cried all the time, I didn't want to get out of bed or even talk to anyone. My body would not do what I wanted it to do, I was always sick and hurting, I had all these hormones running through me and not to mention all the money this was costing. And it seemed like this was all for nothing. Why wouldn't this work? Finally, my depression had gotten so bad that Shay and I decided that it was time to take a break.

That is when I realized to always listen to my gut! I had a medical issue while we were on a break from treatment. I had to have surgery so I just happened to ask them to check for endometriosis. They agreed! I am so grateful that I did.

My complete infertility was caused by stage 4 endometriosis and PCOS. I may have had a chance if I would have listened to my gut all of those years ago and it could have been removed before it had gotten so bad. But I did not question the people who were supposed to know and ended up having to have a partial hysterectomy.

As I look back, I realized that God had a plan. I know we were meant for adoption. But in the moment it is so hard to see all of that. I had one Doctor tell me during the process that I was too emotional! No, I have every right to feel how I feel no matter how big my feelings! And if there is one thing I learned, Always listen to your gut and don't let anyone ever tell you how to feel!!

Remember to check out my YouTube channel: This Blessed Hot Mess

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